cooking!

I know, cooking.

I have found that when I get stressed, I tend to get some anxiety, and when I get anxious, I lose my appetite. Fast. And thoroughly. I also have a fast metabolism and lose weight easily, so once I miss a meal, it can make me feel off for a few days, which further stresses me out and downward spiral here we come.

Recently, however, I have discovered the joy of cooking. It really is a joy. All of my past and present roommates could tell you that I am an expert noodle boiler. Noodles and a bit of butter with some green olives and maybe a slice or two of cheddar cheese is as much effort as I usually put in to a meal. This year, though, I've discovered this amazing blog, the Smitten Kitchen, that has fantastic recipes. Not a single one that I've made has gone wrong. I've also discovered a bit of joy in cooking- it only takes maybe 30 minutes to make a pretty good-tasting meal, (unless its risotto) and once it's finished you always have a nice sense of accomplishment. It's relaxing. And it can be artistic- leave out an ingredient here, add one there- you control the outcome.

Also, putting so much effort into make a good-tasting meal encourages me to eat, even when I have no appetite. The cooking relaxes me, and by the time the food is ready, I am so curious as to what I've made that I can't help but taste it. When anxious, meals were just something to get through, but now, by facing my fear of no appetite and losing weight by making a delicious meal, I have realized I can conquer this aspect of my anxiety too.

Although tonight I made a mysterious crock pot meal, and accidentally inhaled some boiling vinegar. I still have a headache. Oy. Learning pains.

Medical Artist stuff

Beautiful image c/o http://www.project1231.com/#1196373/Photographs
by Croix Gagnon and Frank Schott

So, a huge part of being a medical artist is finding sources. The better your source, the better your art. I usually use at least three sources for every illustration and model I make. The Visible Human project took a prisoner who was executed, and researchers shaved his body into dust, while taking photographs and xrays of each layer of his body. This immense set of data can be manipulated through programs and data readers like Osirix and Mimics.

This is incredibly useful to the field, and every medical artist is familiar with the Visible Human. The data is complete, and organs can be rendered into 3d organs, can be used as sources for other artwork, and can be sliced into whatever view is needed for the project.

These artists took an approach I have never seen before, despite having worked with the Visible Human data for the past three years. I like how the Visible Human becomes more than just a data set through these haunting photographs. I also like the message and the meaning behind the project name, 12:31. You can read about that here.

Bravo, Croix Gagnon and Frank Schott.

Spirithoods

Image c/o http://spirithoods.com/womens/

Have you seen these? Don't they look cozy comfy? I love the wild elegance of the design, and the warm slots for your hands. Want want! Maybe if I get my research done this semester, this will be my reward.

in support of others

I'm going back and forth, I know. I think I'm just trying to work something out in my mind, and it seems when I write it out I can understand it better.

I have just got to say that yes, while I do love my alone moments, I also love all my friends that support me and want the best for me, and even kick me in the seat of my pants to do something I should. Friends who discuss with me different ways to approach difficult situations, who listen patiently as I verbally work something out, friends who give up their entire Sundays to assist me with their research. Through them I have been taught what it is to be respected, to be loved, and to be supported. I hope I have reflected even a fraction back of what I have received.

Entering this very stressful week, it is this that keeps me calm, that keeps me buoyant and on track. This, and constant praying! Ugh this post sounds trite, but it's really what I want to say right now, so just deal.

left alone.

While my last post was about being decidedly NOT alone, this one is about being alone.

Something that I oddly, have never been afraid of. Probably because I am an introvert. In fact, it's something I relish- long runs, long bike rides, long swims, long hours doing art, painting, pottery, ballet, reading (my God reading!)... long Sunday evenings spent working on my research... alone.

Sometimes, actually, one night a week, I get home from work and turn off my cell phone, stay off gmail, and forget about everything that isn't directly in front of me. Sometimes I don't, and wish I had.

Solitude. Kinda want it right now.

Navigating these waters

Lately, it seems like everyone's worlds have been crumbling down. While last week we blamed it on the full moon, the fact that worlds are still falling this week really make us glance furtively at the sky, cringing. I have bent many friend's ears this week, sought advice and told tales I never wanted to tell, went on long soul purging bike rides, and cried through an entire opera. Resoundingly, I have realized I am not alone. I have also sat these past two weeks and heard many of my friends lament of their troubles and trials and downfalls and as we all sit together and try to figure out, just at the least, what is the next step, and where do we go from here... I have realized, we are not alone. We aren't navigating these waters of adulthood, loss, and grief solo. While ultimately we make our own decisions and suffer our own consequences, the past two weeks have left me feeling calmed by the fact that I am not alone navigating these waters. I have so many people I can turn to, who I care so much about, and who will be there for me no matter what. This gives me incredible strength and I fear nothing.

But, as I sit here on a Friday, completely exhausted, I feel overwhelmed and almost physically crushed by all the stories I have heard and all the emotions I have endured the past two weeks. Enough.

Tomorrow this will all spur me on, will encourage me to push harder and achieve more. But tonight, I am flat, used up, finished, and need rest.

I don't know how to end this post. I just wanted to record what I realized, that we are doing this, all of us, all at once. bring it, life.

take risks take risks take risks

hot diggity

Before I start my day, I need to tell you about my night.

Last night.

First of all- I bike to the train, take the train almost the entire length of the tracks, and bike home. This is my route home.

It takes me 1 hour and 40 minutes. I know this because I've been timing it every day the past two weeks. The fastest it took me was an hour 32 minutes, the slowest an hour 43.

But yesterday, the train stopped at Hubbard Woods, 3 or 4 stops after I get on. I work 35 miles from where I live. All they could tell us was that the trains had all stopped, and they didn't know how long it would be until they moved again. I really wanted to be home by 7 so I could go to bible study, which, let me tell you, seems impossible to get to. Something ALWAYS seems to happen on Fridays. Once, my bike was stolen. Several times, I was sick with a fever. I've forgotten all the other reasons, but let's just say, it's impossible for me to go. They have it every two weeks, and the weeks they don't have it, nothing happens on those Fridays. Go figure.

Anyways, so the train stopped and I turned to the man next to me and said, "of course this never happens on the way to work." He roared with laughter and joked that of course it's also a Friday, and we kavetched. Then I looked up the distance on my phone from Hubbard Woods to my apartment- about 16 miles from what I could tell. Bikeable. SO I made the decision to get off and bike- I really didn't want to sit on a train full of people for who knows how long when I had a headache, was hungry, and just wanted to get home.

I started on the trail. There is a nice bike trail in the northern suburbs, but they end after about 5 miles and you need to take a busier road, Sheridan road, through the rest of the burbs. I have never done this before, and the furthest I've biked at once was 12 miles before this. But, I had most of the proper gear besides bike shorts, and it was still light out, and I had been biking an hour every day the past two weeks with my commute, so I felt strong. Even though I was super hungry, and I realized I would probably need to stop for food along the way.

And I saw some cool things. This temple:

I stopped and looked at the lake when I finally reached it and took some photos. This is me and my bike:
The line of lights hanging in the sky are planes coming in to land at o'Hare. They looked like they were hung on clouds, just dangling lightbulbs in a row over the lake.


But then it got dark. And cold. And along the lake the air was moist, cold, and heavy. I didn't have a bike lock, only bungee cords, so I bungeed my bike to a bike rack and hoped no one would take it, and ran in to a corner mart, grabbed some candy and ran out. I bought three chocolate bars and wolfed two of them down.

Again, I hadn't done this route before at all, not even driven it, so I had only a faint idea of where to go- just mainly to head south. I followed Sheridan road when the trail ran out, down through Northwestern campus, through Loyola, past mansions and dangerous neighborhoods, and saw the transition from country to rich suburbs, to inner city. All along the Hancock tower, which I live in the shadow of, grew larger, and that was my cue that I was going the right way. I watched other bikers going my direction and at times followed them and took their shortcuts. I had to stop several times and look up directions, but never got completely lost. I didn't take the absolute fastest way, but it wasn't too far off course. Whenever I stopped I wanted to quit, and fatigue would settle in, and the desire to just start crying because I was so cold and exhausted and felt sorry for myself. To push myself through this, I just told myself to keep moving, to not ever stop, to keep my legs going, which oddly didn't hurt and were full of adrenaline. I prayed the cars would see me and not hit me, and no one would open their doors in my face. I dodged giant potholes, weaved through traffic, and took in as much as I possibly could, while focusing on the things that meant my survival- what other cars were doing, traffic lights, street signs, shady characters that would stare for too long.

But all along the way, all I wanted to do was stop. I kept picturing my warm room, a cup of hot tea, and a tv show on my laptop. This is what I wanted to get back to, as fast as possible.

And it worked. And I made it. And I saw two huge raccoons. And countless other things. Biking is like driving with no windshield and no barrier between you and the world- I heard people laughing, shouting, doors creaking open, trees shuddering in the wind, cars clunking by, children playing, the waves on the shore of the lake. To bike is to experience.

It was 19 miles. I can't say it was the best decision. I can't say I'll ever do that again. I now realize the value of biking shorts. Oh hell yeah do I realize the value of biking shorts. It took me 2 and a half hours of biking, with stopping 3 times for more than 5 minutes.

But I did it.

My route: http://www.mapmyrun.com/routes/view/29936894/?open_ive_done=1
What happened on the tracks (man killed): http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/chibrknews-metra-train-stopped-due-to-pedestrian-incident-20110318,0,2380072.story

cheering on (and up)

Sooo I've been feeling quite sad this week. I think it has to do with several things, one is that I was home over the weekend and really miss my friends that I saw there. They are just so smart about a lot of things, and creative and funny, and caring. Two is that on Monday morning when my alarm went off at 5:30am, I laid in bed and thought about everything that I need to do (final research paper in 13 days, fundraising for race in 3 weeks) I mean, big things, besides the little things like cooking and laundry, and felt myself get incredibly stressed (finally). Stress is a good thing and sometimes I need to sit and almost tell myself that it's time to get stressed. Although this isn't the happiest thing to do to myself. And three, it's spring, the death of winter. I am happy, trust me- when you bike an hour total a day, you are happy when it is 65+ degrees instead of 25 degrees, but a small to medium sized portion of my heart is sad to see winter go. I look forward to it, I enjoy it, I revel in the snow and the beauty of it, and I miss it when it is gone. Plus, the weather is humid and gusty and moist, and just the perfect backdrop to being moody and dramatic. So I feel myself leaning towards the moody and dramatic sad part of me.

But, I don't like to dwell here, so I called two of my happiest friends today, and am going to sleep now feeling happy. Talking to them for a total of 2.5 hours tonight, plus a phone call from my gma, has done wonders to my mood, reminded me that my life is bigger than just me and my little concerns, and also reminded me that there are a lot of people in my life that care about me and that I care about. And sometimes, I forget this, and it's good to be reminded.

So here's to old friends, to happy friends, to friends that care and lift you up when you are down. I am really blessed to have such amazing friends.

Sated

Today looked a lot like this picture above. Wet, grey, tan, misty, foggy, blurry, windy, wet. Beautiful.

But I feel Full. Satiated.

Part of that has to do with my long hours spent solo at the art museum yesterday. Slowly perusing and devouring the entire Renaissance through Impressionism art section. I go there to get filled up. I go to the modern art section to get inspired.

But yesterday I needed filling. Filling Up. I still visited my favorite Picasso painting in the modern section. It's an old friend- I loved it since the moment I saw it in grade school- it's pathos speaks to something deep in me that I feel I will only fully understand when I am an old old woman and have lived. Have really
Lived.

This is lemon risotto which I made from the Smitten Kitchen's archives. Delicioso! My belly is rounded right now full of it, and even though it took an hour to make and tomorrow is going to come too fast, it is gorgeous- simply gorgeous.

I also made some baked chicken which turned out really well, although I am a bit worried I didn't cook it long enough because it was so juicy. I followed this recipe step by step.

So now, I am in bed satiated, I feel full, full of art, of food, of the weariness of biking in such beauty and working all day under fluorescent lights. I knew that I was running low on art, but I had no idea how alive, how content, how full a few hours at the art museum could make me.

duly noted.

Adventurez

Today was a research day, and part of that (besides meetings with advisers and paperwork) is finding inspiration at the art museum, which I indubitably did. I sent a picture diary to one of my friends that was having a lame-o day to cheer her up, and it made me happy to share my experiences with her, and now hey! with you! oh blogs.

our fair city! (through a dirty L window)

lunch on the go

Art museum/Mich Ave

Foreshorten fail.

King Vulture. I am such a sucker for these porcelain birds from Munich.

My color palette with the texture of the wall. Proud outfit day.

I really enjoy how this art installation adds just a little bit and says so much to the pre-existing Art Institute ridiculously huge staircase. It doesn't distract, but adds. This is what I want to accomplish in my research project.

Not alone.

My brother bought me this cd Until We Have Faces by the band Red recently, and this song Not Alone just makes me feel safe. Has gotten me through the past two weeks, and a lot of self doubt. Which for me, comes all at once, but not often. Month of February was my month for that, apparently, but it's over, and onward.

Becoming buff

Well, not biking to work every day and not training for a triathlon for the past three months is about to come to an end! I'm starting to bike to work starting tomorrow- I decided March is a good reason to start biking. Hopefully the path won't be too icy, but I'm not very concerned. I look forward to the struggle.

Yesterday I went for a run along the lake in the morning, with slowly drifting snowflakes waltzing from the sky. The lake was a brown-blue color, and the sky a pearl gray-white. This contrasted with the warm neutrals of the city and the carpet of white snow on the path. The colors were muted, but absolutely beautiful. I heard once that some people naturally love the bare trees and dull colors of winter, and some just naturally don't- I am one of those that do. I don't need sun or saturated grass and sky to think the countryside is beautiful; I've always thought the barrenness of winter has a class of beauty all it's own.

I say this wearing bright teal pants and an orange t-shirt with bright orange nails. I do love color on my person.

I probably ran no more than 2 miles, but it was in 25 degree weather and with no stopping, once I put my mind to it. I stopped a lot on the way out, to gaze out into the lake, but ran back without stopping.

Today I went for a 30 min swim- 800 yards total. Followed by a 10 min soak in the hot tub, which I am convinced melted my vertebrae away, I was so relaxed. Right now I have the usual aches of exercising pretty hard irregularly, but also the satisfying exhaustion that comes when muscles have been used. I found a swim training website that takes you from 0 to 1 mile in 6 weeks with three days of swimming a week. I'm going to try to follow it, and run 3 days as well, with one day of rest. On top of biking 12 miles a day in 3 mile increments, I should be set to do my tri's this summer. I still need to decide which ones... right now I am leaning towards one in MS in September, one in Boston in August, and one in CA in late May. That's a lot, so we'll see!!

I'll probably throw in some ballet this summer too.

My bike is pimped out. Fenders, long-range lights, computer, new tune up every 6 months, two water bottle holders, new seat... I take care of it better than I take care of myself!

Refiner's fire.

It's really a good thing to, when encountered with the same situation again and again, to finally, FINALLY see some growth in yourself and see yourself change and handle it differently, at least this time. And truly trusting yourself that you are changing and growing, and stopping that errant behavior that defined your life so well not so long ago.

But this refiner's fire is hot and it burns and it is not a lesson easily learned.

But (again) I don't want to shrink from life. I don't want to reach out so far, so very far, and then shrink back at the last minute. This is not the way to live.

No matter what Hamlet says.

I wish to preach, not the doctrine of ignoble ease, but the doctrine of the strenuous life. -Teddy R

silly boy

My nephew is ridiculous. Just like his aunt. (and mother)

isolation cave

after a long, long, long day, a bed, a blue dresser, a cup of hot chocolate and fresh baked cookies are really all I can expect of myself at 9:15pm.

This deliciousness you see was made by me! I used a recipe from Smitten Kitchen- Blue cheese steak salad, and even made my own vinaigrette. (oil, grey poupon, honey, and worcestire sauce)

The top dish is garlic roasted mushrooms from Smitten Kitchen. I used whites because they were cheaper than browns but browns always taste better in my opinion. Also delicious, but need to be eaten right away- wasn't very good as leftovers.

Anyways, its been a rough week. I'm glad it's almost over.

sunday morning

This morning I was perusing blogs whilst still in bed, and came across this blog I had bookmarked ages ago. It has great recipes that look so delicious. I scrolled through and found one for scrambled eggs and goat cheese on toast. She said you could replace the goat cheese with cream cheese, if you wished. I had some left over hamburger buns and cream cheese that I needed to use, so I decided to make myself a modified version of this recipe. It was delicious. I just scrambled eggs, and toasted hamburger buns and smothered them in cream cheese, sprinkled feta cheese on top, and topped with my scrambled eggs and salt and pepper. I ate four.

I think I might pick out a few recipes to make this week, and start feeding myself well. I have also started budgeting more, so I am trying to work on keeping to a budget when it comes to food- I know I can save a lot of money here. And maybe if I cook nicer meals for myself I won't be so tempted to eat out all the time.

It's still snowing and its gorgeous outside and I only wish I had someone to go sledding with.

I signed up for the Shamrock Shuffle on April 10th through TNT again!! I need to fundraise 400 bucks so start donating! When my link is set up I'll post it here. I've dug up my old tri workouts and I'll try to start them this week too. I remember biking in this weather last year, so I think I'll drop off my bike to get fixed and start pedaling around once the snow melts. Organizing, I've been on such an organization binge for the past two weeks. The more I organize the more I see all that still needs to be organized. But let's be serious, this is just procrastination for my research. Ah yes.

Snowtorious B.I.G.

There are lots of names going around for this storm that I am watching safe and warm inside my apartment right now. My friend used the name Snowtorious B.I.G. and I liked that name the best. Thanks, Clarence! I just got home an hour ago, despite being let out of work at 2pm. Yes, it took me nearly 3 hours to get home.

Anyway, we have tomorrow off on account of the blizzard. I love snow! In conclusion, it looks scary outside.

Happy Birthday Pionek!!

Yesterday was one of my favorite friends from grad school's 25th Birthday!!! It was fun, always a good time with this girl. I hope she liked the gift I got her (a framed photo of myself. I mean what could be better?)!!

drain and a decision

I feel as though I've been going on empty for quite some time now- a trip home to sleep 14 hours three nights in a row may be in order, but I am trying to hold off as long as possible. The trouble with going on empty is that I resent my job more and more each day, when really, it is exactly what I wanted to do for the past three years. And that makes me quite sad that I can't enjoy it, but really, it is hard to enjoy anything when all one wants to do is curl into a ball and sleep for 14 hours.

I have absolutely enjoyed all the company I've been surrounded with lately, not the least, one of my college besties, Shannon. She has returned from 3 years in Munich, and included a visit to me in her winding trip home to Kansas City. It was splendid to spend this weekend with her.

I've found a new start with the new year to strive for more order in my life than I had last year. And by that I mean I am starting to push myself again, if that makes sense. Last year I just let go, most splendidly, but I set few goals and just focused on living, on surviving. I only really poured myself into the triathlon. But this year I am spurred to finish my research, if only to have to not pay tuition anymore. A couple thousand dollars here and there is quite a hard thing to swallow on my paltry artist's salary. I've also decided to go temporarily further into debt and purchase a car quite soon. I don't think I'll drive every day to work, especially in the summer when I will continue biking, but it will be necessary to visit my sister and parents and nearby friends. It really does make sense for my life.

In other news, I am contemplating running the Shamrock Shuffle race- an 8k- in April. I can do it with TNT, but I'll have to fundraise another 400 dollars. I'm pretty certain I can do this, but I haven't finished the leukemia cell paintings yet as I promised for my last fundraising prize. I have all the sketches roughed out and the frames bought and boxes saved for all 14 paintings, but not the actual painting finished yet. I feel like I need to get that done before I ask for more money. Then again, even if I fundraise half of the 400 I need to run the race with TNT, I should be able to swing the rest. It's for a good cause. But I also really have no spare time. I go back and forth on this. Give me your thoughts on what I should do!

That's all for today, I am going to bed even though it's only 9pm. Some days you just need to turn in early.

One last thing. Winter is such a lovely season.