guiltless trust

i have no plans for the evening, no plans for Halloween, and no plans for the weekend.

and let me be completely honest. it's not because i had places to go, but turned them all down. it's not because i've been avoiding social contact. it's simply because no one invited me to go anywhere, or to do anything.

normally, i'd have some little guilt monster sitting on my back, or face, or wherever the monster chose to sit, poking my ego, my heart, saying you loser! no one wants to hang out with you! no one likes you! you're dull! your face is dull! you have no friends! all of which would lead to me feeling panicked and lonely and spending the night/day/weekend with someone i really didn't want to spend time with, neglecting my art projects/laundry/bills to do something i really didn't want to be doing, just getting more stressed because i really have so little time to myself, or to sleep, as it is.

well fuck that.

(alright, now to be more completely honest, i was just invited to a movie tonight. which i turned down.)

i am completely at peace tonight, this weekend, not doing anything social. i know its not because i'm dull, or have no one in my life that wants to spend time with me (although true, the majority of my friends don't live in this city). i just... wasn't invited out. and, to be fair, i didn't invite anyone to do anything. and i'm not making many phone calls this weekend, many of which i do need to make, to catch up on friends. this weekend, i just don't desire human contact. and what freedom, what bliss at this point in my life, to be able to make that choice and be able to follow through on it. blessings.

i trust that God knows what he's doing. that while at this time in my life, most of my friends are not here physically, that i am dating no one (and have no prospects), and have no family nearby, I can use this time to debug my computer, make some long delayed art, finish my website and get a new job, read yet another book, fine-tune my Ponzi scheme, and yes, do laundry.

i've been overburdened with social obligations in the past, frazzled, and even had to force myself to turn off my phone and computer one night a week to get some peace to myself, which i desperately need in order to function. even just last weekend i spent in the constant company of a delightful friend in st louis (see above photo). and next weekend, it is full with a race and an art show and a soccer game and bible study and possibly a visit from the parents... so this weekend, i will take my peace and quiet, guilt and monster free, with a heart full of trust.

and bust out that piece of artwork that the muses have been nagging me about. nag no more! this weekend, i am your slave.

one more thing, i really really love ceramics. so much that i am seriously considering moving and getting my own wheel and kiln. and maybe an mfa in ceramics. (oh heavens help us more school!)

where do i begin

well, let's start at the very beginning.

I got a nook. about two week ago.

what this means for my life, is a lot of reading. so far I've read Never Let Me Go, Bluebeard, The Tipping Point, Committed, and This Side of Paradise. I have Lolita on reserve. I am a reading maniac.

coming back to reading is like coming back to something I have always needed, always had, since I was 3 and read my first word. i would read in the shower, in the car, i'd put fiction books in my math book during math class to disguise that I was reading instead of listening to lecture, and read my English book cover to cover first day of class. this continued all through college, where i briefly flirted the idea of a minor in English for a few semesters.

if I have been passionate about anything my entire life, it has been reading.

the last few years my obsession with books drifted off, and was replaced with tv shows on my laptop before falling asleep. i saw my concentration levels drop, my writing become more careless, and my vocabulary decline. i really think a large part of this was because I stopped reading so fervently.

well, my friends, i'm back. the best part about the nook i that i can check out books from the library any time. with my commute, i have one hour during the week when i can get to the library, and only Saturdays on the weekend. with my nook...i have the library at my fingertips anytime of the day or night. also, the nook is much lighter than books.

I've also started updating my Goodreads .

in other news, confrontation at work and traveling this weekend threw me off until today, when i finally felt whole again. relaxed. let the week commence.

"Let's go together said Pooh, said he. Let's go together said Pooh."

On the train this week I've done quite a bit of writing and sketching pieces i want to make in my ceramics class. in between the sketches and random words, I made a list of everything I've learned in my 28th year of life. What a year. the past two years have undoubtedly been some of the hardest years I've lived yet, and despite that, I look at them positively overall. this, then, is living after all.

jump in, come, let's go.

i think part of the reason that i look on these years positively is because of the strength i feel. the boldness that is running through me, even right now. it courses in my veins along with the blood, pumping through my heart into my smallest tissues, driving me forward. i feel it when i look out over the lake, when i look into the pit of my fears, and when i strike out on a new class, task, activity, thought. in the past two years i have done many new things- a triathlon, soccer, beach volleyball, job, research, ballet, hip hop- just these off the top of my head. i think this is key.

so here is the entry.

This whole year has been the ultimate challenge. Year 28 of my life has been sad, hard, upsetting, and humbling. I've learned confrontation, confidence, strength, and how to hope.

I've learned to be proud I am a woman, and not to be afraid of heels or make-up. To take pleasure in how I look and present myself. I've learned to be proud of my physical and intellectual accomplishments. To be aggressive, even if it means falling on my face.

I've learned to communicate my opinions and ideas. Both visually and verbally.

I've learned when to expect respect, and when I do not receive it, how to proceed. I will not put up with anything less.

Anger comes to me more easily, it flashes in my eyes and burns deep in my muscle. I use it as a fuel, to push harder. But I retain my main motivation to be love. If I don't love something, I can't accomplish it; anything less and it will never come to be. I refuse to be driven solely by anger, I will not feed the flame, but let it burn and go out.

I've learned to dance with abandon, to let go and move. This is the most freeing thing I have learned.

I have learned it is always better to be happy- to surround yourself with happy, positive people.

I have learned it's not about me. At all.

I have learned people will disappoint over and over. That they will never live up to expectations consistently. Ever. But sometimes they do, and they go past my expectations, and they surround me with love, even in my undeserving-ness.

I've learned that the encouragement of one friend, one friend who says she believes in you, in the goodness of you, and that she loves you, is enough to erase days, hours, months, of self-doubt and another person saying the opposite. That the fleeting attention of a boy is nothing in the face of such words.

I've learned, closer, what love is.

I've learned, closer, the colors of the lake and the beauty of jumping into those colors, fully clothed.

Jump in, fully clothed.

I've learned to take joy in my parents, rather than be irritated.

I've learned hard work is sometimes a reward in itself. That contribution to society can be as small or as big as an idea.

I've learned discipline and detail. I see the trees more, but still haven't lost sight of the forest.

I've learned to hold a gaze. To be bold. To jump into fountains and to record all of this in photos. Because it is gone so fast.

I've learned these things, but also I realize I've learned only the beginning of most of these things, there is so much left.

jump in, come on, let's go.

food for the stomach; food for the soul

I spent over an hour cooking tonight. Made some recipes I've had my eyes on from my favorite cooking website, smittenkitchen.com. I'm still working on my food photography skills, but I must blame some of it on the poor lighting in the kitchen. Poor lighting anywhere really bothers me. Like at work, we have that flickering overhead lighting and I find it nearly impossible to be creative in the studio.

I went to the lake this afternoon and sat, for a long time. Just observing. Memorizing the colors, the shapes. Watching the waves in their motion, staring at the horizon, and letting the shadows of the skyscrapers behind me cover me and reach out into the lake. Whispered prayers, meditated on a sermon, and adored the Creator. Met a very friendly dog. Tried to look people in the face while I walked there and back, to step outside my world into theirs, even if for a second.




Worked on my website. Nailed down a design. Working on the coding.

Dug out my ceramics books. I'll read them on the train this week. I've sketched on the train this week coaster and mug designs, other random forms, and website designs. Starting to take my art seriously, and consider what art I want to pursue and perfect, and what art I want to drop to the wayside. Discovering.

small things

i talked to all my favorite redheaded friends this weekend. for no less than an hour each. friendship is good.

i have plans to go to St Louis at the end of the month for one last hurrah with one of those redheads.

i went to the farmer's market this afternoon and bought delicious tasting tomatoes, a bunch of parsley, romaine lettuce, jalapenos, and garlic. Then i furiously researched food processors to make some pesto. One can't really cook without a food processor, I am quickly finding.

i was shamed in that I couldn't tell the difference between romaine, green leaf, red leaf, etc all the types of lettuce at the farmer's market. madness.

spent the afternoon working on my website, swimming, and hot tubbing (totally an activity at the gym), and cooking whilst watching the Last Station. I love Russian authors.

swimming at the pool gave me horrible sneezes. allergic?

looking forward to soccer tomorrow. I read up on the positions tonight. I try to learn a bit more about soccer each week. i just love playing it so much...