cooking!

my first poached egg!

and fresh rhubarb from my dad's garden. it tastes like rainwater and all the tartness of the earth.

catchabreath

i'll fly back to you (oh lake of mine)

i flew back from Boston today

the whole plane ride back i pondered deeply the big picture

for the perspective from the skies

in the clouds

gave me clarity

to sit and think,

for once

about the entirety of my life

the possibilities

and passions

the future and past

the direction i am heading

and where i want to head

up there, in the skies,

it finally became

a little more

clear.

PS. beautiful eggs from my coworker, and the lake, where I have been spending a lot of time lately on my lunch, after work.

moving on moving

i think it takes about a week for me to fully come to a realization when something happens, when something/one dies. and by then i've already made contingency plans. already thrown myself into something else, used the momentum of emotions to push myself further in some area of my life.

this time, it's rock climbing.

I'm quasi afraid of heights. i like to take things on that terrify me, or at least induce some amount of fear in me. it makes me feel stronger when i accomplish something i am afraid of. like finishing my research. or doing a triathlon. i like to push my edges, my boundaries, and see what happens. will i crumble? will i get stronger?

does it matter?

"i wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow out of life." this quote has been my favorite since high school. i never feel like i live it more fully than at the end of something, and the beginning of the something else. these are my coping mechanisms; these are what keep me on top of the waves. my thoughts curl around my ankles and pull me down, imaginary conversations beckon from the depths, but the new things to occupy my time, my thoughts- the new things are what lift my head towards the air.

deep breaths. move on.