lake of shining waters

Stressss

This week has been filling me up with stress. It started Monday morning, with crippling nausea. The nausea usually passes by the afternoon, but it makes it very hard to get out of bed. But the odd part is I'm not even sure what's making me soooo stressed out, other than the failure of research not getting done this semester, and the drama of resolved issues leaving my life, and my mind needs to fill all that thinking-space up with something else? I don't know. It sort of feels like I've been shook up, and the aftershocks are still going through my being.

Not very fun.

I've been writing a lot- a few pages every day on the train, and of course here in my blog. I've also been organizing my room at night, and cleaning, adjusting everything after I switched it all up last week. Somehow this makes me feel better.

I think also some of this comes from so many things I want to accomplish that I can't even prioritize right now. Things I am looking forward to this summer:

1. Finishing my research at the end of June.
2. Beach volleyball team!
3. Soccer team!
4. Ballet and hip hop classes and possibly swing classes
5. Pottery
6. Triathlons (2)
7. Trips to CA, STL, Eau Claire, Kansas City (?), MS, and prob Boston
8. Updating my portfolio
9. One month of Bikram yoga (thanks Groupon!)
10. Camping!!

Too much, yes? With a full time job and 3 hours of commuting every day? oy.

This could definitely possibly most absolutely be the source of my stress.

But what do I cut out???

I need a house in the country.

Images of soaking up the sun at my parent's house this weekend. I drank it in deep thirsty gulps while sending emails, journaling, reading, petting the dog, watching two robins fight and a male cardinal chase a female, and listening to the sounds of kids hunting for Easter eggs. I drank it in through my skin and hair and it went straight to my soul where it bleached the dark spots the last month left. I felt cleansed. Part of nature again.
Whole.

On Saturday I drank deep the Milwaukee Art Museum's Calatrava with a friend. Sharing art, sharing our shocking lives.

I imagine the inside of my soul (and yours!) looks like this Calatrava- all blues and whites and glass and marble and water and graceful arches of steel.

Beautiful.

It's on

This is what I have to spend on eating for the rest of the month- one dollar and a packet of oatmeal. I made a deal with my brother last night that, in order to stay on budget for this month's grocery bill, I could only use these two things, and the groceries I already have, to eat for the rest of the month. Then he realized that the rest of the month is only 7 more days, and felt a little gypped, but hey Nate, I have almost no meat at my apartment, so it will actually be tough. I have eggs, a can of tuna, and some chicken nuggets that should be good for one or two lunches. This is good though, I'm clearing out my old groceries and experimenting with spices. Tonight I made angel hair pasta and a spinach/mixed veggie stir fry. Not bad. Stay tuned.

Caution: Train windows may cause melancholy.

On the train leaving Alghero, Italy 2009

Have you ever stared out of a train window and caught yourself with a melancholy expression, or an expression of longing, or an expression of plain yearning?

Trains are so good for the dramatic soul.

I finished Notes from Underground. Well, to be perfectly honest I have two paragraphs left and it has happened before that the last two paragraphs change my mind completely about the book, but the previous pages were fantastic, just what this melancholy soul needs. One of my favorite things about Russian authors are their complex and accurate characters- I found this character highly relateable in his exaggerations as he calls his detailed fantasies. What I love most of all is how self-aware he seems and yet can't escape his own guilt, or shame. What is self awareness if you cannot change yourself? Change is everything- it is constant, and essential, fluid.

Some things do not change (God).

I think I'm going to read another Dostoevsky book, and then perhaps some Camus? What is life without fiction? without books? without change? Hardly anything at all.

Fiction and change. Bring it.

and this (I need some nature. Good thing I'm in the fields of WI for the next few days):

Of course, one MORE thing. Congrats to Mel who had baby Caroline on Wednesday!! Much much rejoicing. Also congrats to Shen who ran the Boston marathon on Monday!! I am so proud of my friends!

Readjust; taking control

I rearranged my room tonight.

Completely, and utterly rearranged. Giant desk,bookshelf, two dressers. All by myself.

I only got about 6 hours of sleep last night, got home from work at 7:45 tonight, and am still recovering from my wild night with Elissa two nights ago, so I am quite dead. But, after making myself some burgers and eating and enjoying our new living room furniture, and doing two loads of laundry... at 9pm I decided to rearrange my room. I just finished. I read a lot about feng shui on Sunday while rearranging our living room, and decided to try it out. My bed was formerly in front of my window, and I always felt too exposed for sleeping. I prefer caves to sleep in.

Anyways, this is all to say that this is the last step in eradicating a recent relationship and starting fresh. My, what I have learned the past 4 months, and I think in order to truly step forward and onward, I needed to rearrange my room, while half dead, half delirious, utterly exhausted, and at the physically most frail I've felt in a long time. Just to prove to myself that I can. That I can change, even when I feel I can't. One step forward, one at a time, inching closer to the finish line, ever stronger. overcoming.

You know what I mean?

Books

Small word or two on books I've been reading. I just finished a 600 something page book by Dan Brown, called Deception Point. It served it's purpose well- went from suspension to about-face reveal over and over until the end- keeping me hooked, and passing the long commutes in a blur. Distracted me. Took a week to read. Meh.

Now I'm about to devour Notes from Underground by Dostoevsky. I predict a Russian author reading binge coming on. I'm finally in the right frame of mind to read a story about someone who hates everyone but most of all himself. Notes from Underground is quite perfect for that... "I am a sick man... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man."

I'll let you know how it goes.

"Another circumstance, too, worried me in those days: that there was no one like me and I was unlike any one else. 'I am alone and they are every one,' I thought- and pondered.
From that it is evident that I was still a youngster." -Dostoevsky

Shamrock Shuffle and TNT!!

Finally we can see the Start of the race!

Last Sunday I ran the Shamrock Shuffle 8k with my friend Lindsey. I loved the runner's high at the end, but the race day was 80 degrees, about 40 degrees warmer than the last time I ran outside. Afterwards we drank a beer with some other friends outside and I got sunburnt. Overall, it was a lot of fun, even if I was probably so very not physically prepared and my time was embarrassing. Oh well, can only improve from here.

I recommend everyone who lives in Chicago try the Shamrock Shuffle at least once. It goes right through the city streets, and there are tons of people who cheer you on. It is a HUGE race, we didn't actually start running until about 9:20, and the race started at 9:00. I think there were 49,000 runners. Also, I saw one guy shuffle the entire race, I kid you not.

I raised about 500 dollars for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, so that was nice. My coworkers were very generous. I also made a deal with one of my friends that I'd send him a framed photo that I took and he would send me a check for 100 bucks. I'll do anything to fundraise! This weekend I need to get my Thank You cards done, and I plan on finishing my leukemia cell paintings next weekend and shipping those out a week later.

Today I took a hip hop dance class, it was fantastic. I got the first part down pretty well, we did a routine to this song:


And I think I joined a soccer league today. I just got back from buying shin guards with Joelle. And soccer socks. I have always wanted to play soccer, but loved high jump too much, and track was the same season as soccer, so I always had to choose. I'm excited to play on a team, our first game is tomorrow.

One more thing, have you ever dreaded something your whole life and then it happened, and you realized that you are actually more resilient than you ever imagined, and instead of collapsing and suffering, you grow and learn in quantum leaps? Yeah. Well, that just happened to me. Despite everything I thought I knew about myself, I grossly underestimated my strength and, instead of falling to pieces after ending a relationship, I only feel stronger.

Resilience.

I want to remember this lesson, and next time remember my strength, and not let my fear get in the way of communicating. Haven't we all learned this lesson, over and over?

There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.
Alfred Hitchcock

settling

It's been turbulent for me this month, spring is ushering many new things and unsettling many things I thought I had settled. This is vague, I know.

With the turbulence comes an onrush of the feeling that I need to improve, improve, improve. Myself, my surroundings, my interactions. I've started wearing eyeliner everyday. There's my start.

Where all this need for improvement will end, I'm not sure. Vague things flit around on the list, to be vetoed the next day or thought. Some things are sticking, and will soon become a cemented part of my life. They will shape me in the years to come and influence me and mold me into someone slightly different from who I am today.

Strength. Strength is a current theme. Physically, mentally, emotionally. More than anything I want to be seen as strong, not weak. I want to see myself this way, and I want others to see me that way. Strength without haughtiness, without arrogance, with humility. I'm not sure what this means for my life, but I think I'll devote the rest of my year to figuring this out. What strength means to me, and what can I do to make myself stronger.

I just ordered massive amounts of my favorite Indian food. I've also, the past few days, have decided not to impose a bedtime on myself. The night is wide open. I can get anything done when I get home, now. It's taking it's toll- I'm pretty foggy in the morning and tired at work. But sleep is for the weekend.

I think I'm due for a long hot tub soak at the gym tonight.

i want to be....

Above is a picture of my trusty steed and I, my custom old hybrid bike, my companion through the city and the suburbs. I know its sounds, its clicks and whirs, how it sounds when it's under stress, and how it sounds when it's running smoothly. I am attune to it as though it were alive.

A few days ago one of my favorite blogesses, the Noisy Plume, wrote an excellent entry on her self goals. I want to make my own here, in case I forget.

1. I want to be authentic. I never want to do or say something I am not feeling or totally believe in, if I can help it. Everything I do and say and think and create I want to be truly me, truly my reaction to the world around me. I want to be true to myself and my beliefs, because I believe that in doing this, I will be true to those around me, they can trust me because they will always know that if I am there, or if I create something, it is because of who I am, not because of how I feel I must be or think they want me to be.

2. I want to learn to dance without abandon again. I used to dance nonstop as a kid. I've kind of stopped. I'm going to start to take hip hop and ballet classes and let it out through dance! I'm excited about this.

3. I want to be the kind of person that listens with intent. That comments not just to comment. That hears. That empathizes. I want to hear behind the story behind the words.

4. I want a dog. An Irish Wolfhound. One that I can run with, explore the woods with, use as a pillow in front of a fireplace while I read The Economist and study French.

5. I want to learn to trust my intuition. Too many times have I felt something, and not acted on it, only to regret it. It's powerful in me, and knows better than I do. I need to learn to not only listen to it, but to act on it.

6. I want to be more careful with my time. I don't ever want to make someone or something a priority that isn't truly deserving. I want to remember to keep a balance between being good to myself and good to the people in my life.

That's a start. I'll add more as they come up.

Race tomorrow! Should be crazy weather. I am excited, but I've never been less prepared for a race. Bring it! Go TEAM!

one more thing

I know I've posted this before, but I have amazing friends. I don't deserve a single one of them, but they have taught me so much, have given to me so much, that I am forever in debt. I know, from them, what it is to be respected, appreciated, and loved. I am so blessed to have friends that will come over in the rain at night at a moments notice because I do not want to be alone. Who will stay the night because we were talking about ghosts and they know I am afraid of ghosts. Who will let me call them at any time of the day or night and cry and yell into their ear about the injustices of the world. Who sit by me when I am paralyzed in fear, whispering encouragement in my ear. Who give me sound, thoughtful advice, and convict me when I need it. Who will fly across the nation to not only see me run a triathlon, but run it with me, knowing how much it means to me. Who run around on a beach in Canada and sing songs and dance in the surf because sometimes you just need to let go. Who help me make a 25 tier- 25-layer birthday cake simply because I want it. Who throw me surprise parties. Friends who feed me, clothe me, lift me up when I am down and convince me when I need convincing of a God who also cares for me. What a rich life.

And I've been there, too. Been there when family has died, answered 3am calls, tried to give advice and piece together the injustices of the world with them, explored, fed, clothed, and lifted up. This is living. This is life. This is what everyone deserves.

I just had to say that.

Confrontation, I get it

Remember when I said February was beating me down? Well, I didn't quite tell you all about my March, but between the epic long bike ride and massive amounts of ambiguity in a relationship, it wasn't my cup of tea either.

But then came April.

This week was showdown time. Three major things all came to an end, were resolved, and confronted. By me. On my own. With the support of all my friends. And thoroughly. I have no regrets about this week. But damn was it hard.

So now I am left with the emotional fallout. With the results of risks taken and failed- and by that I mean my research, which I took 4 days off to work on it mercilessly, 4 days off without pay, 4 days off and one weekend in which I missed my nephew's 1st birthday, only to have it postponed until summer semester anyway. I took a risk when I took those days off. I knew it. And unfortunately, it didn't work out.

That was a failure.

But the other two major things, they weren't failures. I have no regrets in how I behaved in either one. It's going to take some time to heal and be willing to trust again, but damn, I did well.

I feel a peeling off of the old me, and this new skin is soft and tender yet, but it is stronger than the old skin, and eventually will toughen up and I will be even more of who I am meant to be, even better prepared to do God's will. And these lessons I learned this week, from these encounters, they will be passed on to my offspring, so that maybe they won't have to learn the way I did, so that maybe they will be bolder on the outset than I was. It wasn't in vain.

This molting of the old me has me consumed right now, devouring my time and energy and emotions as I recoil a bit to heal. I dreamt of a moth last night- I didn't really understand it in my dream- it was trapped and trying to escape something, but now I get it. I molted. Today I walked a little bit straighter, looked strangers on the street in the eye, and embraced life with my tender skinned self. To realize such growth in such a short time is gratifying, but painful in many ways- it is not easy to grow so much, so fast. I don't know how moths go from a worm to a winged creature in such a short time. Maybe I need a cocoon.

Because it is so very hard.