On the train this week I've done quite a bit of writing and sketching pieces i want to make in my ceramics class. in between the sketches and random words, I made a list of everything I've learned in my 28th year of life. What a year. the past two years have undoubtedly been some of the hardest years I've lived yet, and despite that, I look at them positively overall. this, then, is living after all.
jump in, come, let's go.
i think part of the reason that i look on these years positively is because of the strength i feel. the boldness that is running through me, even right now. it courses in my veins along with the blood, pumping through my heart into my smallest tissues, driving me forward. i feel it when i look out over the lake, when i look into the pit of my fears, and when i strike out on a new class, task, activity, thought. in the past two years i have done many new things- a triathlon, soccer, beach volleyball, job, research, ballet, hip hop- just these off the top of my head. i think this is key.
so here is the entry.
This whole year has been the ultimate challenge. Year 28 of my life has been sad, hard, upsetting, and humbling. I've learned confrontation, confidence, strength, and how to hope.
I've learned to be proud I am a woman, and not to be afraid of heels or make-up. To take pleasure in how I look and present myself. I've learned to be proud of my physical and intellectual accomplishments. To be aggressive, even if it means falling on my face.
I've learned to communicate my opinions and ideas. Both visually and verbally.
I've learned when to expect respect, and when I do not receive it, how to proceed. I will not put up with anything less.
Anger comes to me more easily, it flashes in my eyes and burns deep in my muscle. I use it as a fuel, to push harder. But I retain my main motivation to be love. If I don't love something, I can't accomplish it; anything less and it will never come to be. I refuse to be driven solely by anger, I will not feed the flame, but let it burn and go out.
I've learned to dance with abandon, to let go and move. This is the most freeing thing I have learned.
I have learned it is always better to be happy- to surround yourself with happy, positive people.
I have learned it's not about me. At all.
I have learned people will disappoint over and over. That they will never live up to expectations consistently. Ever. But sometimes they do, and they go past my expectations, and they surround me with love, even in my undeserving-ness.
I've learned that the encouragement of one friend, one friend who says she believes in you, in the goodness of you, and that she loves you, is enough to erase days, hours, months, of self-doubt and another person saying the opposite. That the fleeting attention of a boy is nothing in the face of such words.
I've learned, closer, what love is.
I've learned, closer, the colors of the lake and the beauty of jumping into those colors, fully clothed.
Jump in, fully clothed.
I've learned to take joy in my parents, rather than be irritated.
I've learned hard work is sometimes a reward in itself. That contribution to society can be as small or as big as an idea.
I've learned discipline and detail. I see the trees more, but still haven't lost sight of the forest.
I've learned to hold a gaze. To be bold. To jump into fountains and to record all of this in photos. Because it is gone so fast.
I've learned these things, but also I realize I've learned only the beginning of most of these things, there is so much left.
jump in, come on, let's go.
