mess

I've been all over the place this week. Things are in an upheaval at work and my natural inclination is to hibernate for 1.2 million years so I can slowly analyze everything and contemplate and think and change my mind 3.4 million times, living out every possible scenario until I feel at peace, and then emerge and go on with my life. But life isn't like that, and so my mind steals my sleep, waking me up way too early on a Saturday, racing around and giving the pit of my stomach a queasy doubt. The only thing I can do is to move forward.

I know that it will all work itself out. I know to be patient. I know to expect less than I want, that I'm not in complete control of every outcome. I know that, in the end, I will be ok.

But despite all that, I must live in the present, and step forward cautiously, slowly, trying to break as few eggshells as possible, when all I want to do is smash and stop and stampede through the next few weeks.

I awoke to the sun rushing through my window, and lay in the warmth, thinking for a good hour. In winter, being warmed by the sun is such a luxury. I am reading Into the Wild, and feel myself drawn to nature. I would love nothing more than to pack it all up and hike in the woods for a few days, to clear my mind and body of this city, but that's not the kind of life I have. I've been thinking a lot about existence, and why we chose the lives we do, and how much power we really have to change them. Money and comfort define so many of our decisions. It is one of my policies to insert love as much as possible into every equation of life- motivation, how and where to spend my time, my money, my talents- everything- I want to reflect back to love. I want to be bold enough, to take the risk to make decisions based on love, not money or comfort or my own self-agenda. It is not an easy thing to do, not at all.

I seem to have given myself a lot to think about.