guiltless trust

i have no plans for the evening, no plans for Halloween, and no plans for the weekend.

and let me be completely honest. it's not because i had places to go, but turned them all down. it's not because i've been avoiding social contact. it's simply because no one invited me to go anywhere, or to do anything.

normally, i'd have some little guilt monster sitting on my back, or face, or wherever the monster chose to sit, poking my ego, my heart, saying you loser! no one wants to hang out with you! no one likes you! you're dull! your face is dull! you have no friends! all of which would lead to me feeling panicked and lonely and spending the night/day/weekend with someone i really didn't want to spend time with, neglecting my art projects/laundry/bills to do something i really didn't want to be doing, just getting more stressed because i really have so little time to myself, or to sleep, as it is.

well fuck that.

(alright, now to be more completely honest, i was just invited to a movie tonight. which i turned down.)

i am completely at peace tonight, this weekend, not doing anything social. i know its not because i'm dull, or have no one in my life that wants to spend time with me (although true, the majority of my friends don't live in this city). i just... wasn't invited out. and, to be fair, i didn't invite anyone to do anything. and i'm not making many phone calls this weekend, many of which i do need to make, to catch up on friends. this weekend, i just don't desire human contact. and what freedom, what bliss at this point in my life, to be able to make that choice and be able to follow through on it. blessings.

i trust that God knows what he's doing. that while at this time in my life, most of my friends are not here physically, that i am dating no one (and have no prospects), and have no family nearby, I can use this time to debug my computer, make some long delayed art, finish my website and get a new job, read yet another book, fine-tune my Ponzi scheme, and yes, do laundry.

i've been overburdened with social obligations in the past, frazzled, and even had to force myself to turn off my phone and computer one night a week to get some peace to myself, which i desperately need in order to function. even just last weekend i spent in the constant company of a delightful friend in st louis (see above photo). and next weekend, it is full with a race and an art show and a soccer game and bible study and possibly a visit from the parents... so this weekend, i will take my peace and quiet, guilt and monster free, with a heart full of trust.

and bust out that piece of artwork that the muses have been nagging me about. nag no more! this weekend, i am your slave.

one more thing, i really really love ceramics. so much that i am seriously considering moving and getting my own wheel and kiln. and maybe an mfa in ceramics. (oh heavens help us more school!)