Never mind, let it go

One of the things I like about myself is my sieve-like memory. My sister is constantly reminding me of us growing up- telling me all these stories that I have no recollection of. I remember what I want, but am great at forgetting whatever I no longer wish to remember. Because of this poor memory, I don't really carry grudges- I've never really been mad at someone for very long. I just can't remember all the reasons why I was mad at them... although I do learn lessons. I've learned it is impossible to remain friends with everyone, and sometimes it is not in my best interest to remain friends. Part of my reason for writing this blog is so that I remember things that I want to remember. And what follows is something I never want to forget.

If you can't tell from my vague words in previous posts, a relationship in my life recently ended. This has never really happened to me before, and I was kind of intrigued to see how long it would take me to "get over" it and "move on." Well, I've got to tell you, it didn't take long.

I had one moment a while back where some young hipster boys on the train were talking about their band, and how they should set up their speakers, and wondering if they should wear capes, of all things, and it was hilarious and exactly the sort of thing I would have texted him, but then I realized... I had at least 5 other friends that I could text at that exact same moment and they would have enjoyed the story just as much. And then I realized, I was over him. I didn't need him. But then, you see, I never did.

So while my memory may and probably will completely forget him one day maybe 20 years from now, I will take my lessons, and cling to them dearly and use them wisely. And if he should bob to the surface of my thoughts or memories, I will simply look at him as a curiosity, and remember a relationship when I should have spoken sooner than I did, and then let it, and him, drift away... and whisper quietly to myself... never mind.

Caution: Train windows may cause melancholy.

On the train leaving Alghero, Italy 2009

Have you ever stared out of a train window and caught yourself with a melancholy expression, or an expression of longing, or an expression of plain yearning?

Trains are so good for the dramatic soul.

I finished Notes from Underground. Well, to be perfectly honest I have two paragraphs left and it has happened before that the last two paragraphs change my mind completely about the book, but the previous pages were fantastic, just what this melancholy soul needs. One of my favorite things about Russian authors are their complex and accurate characters- I found this character highly relateable in his exaggerations as he calls his detailed fantasies. What I love most of all is how self-aware he seems and yet can't escape his own guilt, or shame. What is self awareness if you cannot change yourself? Change is everything- it is constant, and essential, fluid.

Some things do not change (God).

I think I'm going to read another Dostoevsky book, and then perhaps some Camus? What is life without fiction? without books? without change? Hardly anything at all.

Fiction and change. Bring it.

and this (I need some nature. Good thing I'm in the fields of WI for the next few days):

Of course, one MORE thing. Congrats to Mel who had baby Caroline on Wednesday!! Much much rejoicing. Also congrats to Shen who ran the Boston marathon on Monday!! I am so proud of my friends!

settling

It's been turbulent for me this month, spring is ushering many new things and unsettling many things I thought I had settled. This is vague, I know.

With the turbulence comes an onrush of the feeling that I need to improve, improve, improve. Myself, my surroundings, my interactions. I've started wearing eyeliner everyday. There's my start.

Where all this need for improvement will end, I'm not sure. Vague things flit around on the list, to be vetoed the next day or thought. Some things are sticking, and will soon become a cemented part of my life. They will shape me in the years to come and influence me and mold me into someone slightly different from who I am today.

Strength. Strength is a current theme. Physically, mentally, emotionally. More than anything I want to be seen as strong, not weak. I want to see myself this way, and I want others to see me that way. Strength without haughtiness, without arrogance, with humility. I'm not sure what this means for my life, but I think I'll devote the rest of my year to figuring this out. What strength means to me, and what can I do to make myself stronger.

I just ordered massive amounts of my favorite Indian food. I've also, the past few days, have decided not to impose a bedtime on myself. The night is wide open. I can get anything done when I get home, now. It's taking it's toll- I'm pretty foggy in the morning and tired at work. But sleep is for the weekend.

I think I'm due for a long hot tub soak at the gym tonight.

I dig you with a big shovel.

So... I spun today. (Spun? spinned? spuninered?) They had divided our team up into A-L and M-Z, and the first group went at 8am, the second at 9. Well.... I was the only one to show up for my group!

That meant, while I was honestly hoping to "ease" into a workout (read: fake increasing resistance), I ended up going full blast as the coach and I tore through the spin workout. I also asked about my foot pain, and he just recommended getting new shoes and seeing if that helped. My running shoes are 3 years old, so probably are ready for a replacement. I've been looking into what I call finger shoes lately, and tried some on yesterday at REI. They make it feel as though you are running barefoot. I love being barefoot, and running barefoot in the wilderness (or along the lake) sounds like immense amounts of fun to me. They cost about the same as a new pair of running shoes. I emailed my running coach and asked his opinion on "finger shoes." He mentioned looking into Newton running shoes which keep the ideas of barefoot running but aren't quite as barefoot as finger shoes. Finger shoes require easing into them in order to get the proper muscles strengthened enough to use them without hurting yourself. I think I'll get a normal pair of running shoes, and then buy the finger shoes later this summer when I can go to my parents and run in the countryside and grass. We'll see, jury is still out.

In other news, today was a "mission day" when we hear about someone who had cancer and they share their experience. Today, a team member, Leslie, stood up and talked about having cancer 10 years ago. She has been my "swimming buddy" because we are at about the same level during team swims. She was diagnosed two days before Christmas, and her dad was diagnosed a few months before her, and while talking about her treatments she started crying. I found tears in my eyes as she struggled to convey to us how much our involvement with TNT means to her, and how badly she wants to see a cure for leukemia and lymphoma. Then she said, "You guys, I dig you- with a big shovel." And we all laughed and applauded her courage. Again, I really hope I never have cancer, but the empathy I feel towards survivors sometimes is overwhelming. I am inspired by the courage it takes to get through treatments, and humbled by the attitude that doesn't give up in the face of death. I give up in the face of a strong headwind 5 minutes into my run! I have never been much of an endurance person, opting usually for the easiest route, but having cancer, and training and doing a tri is all about taking the only way out- the hard way, no corners to cut. Honestly, training and raising money to help find a cure is one of the best things I have ever done with my life. It is already changing me so much for the better, and not just physically.

One more thing. I need to decide soon whether to do the olympic or sprint distance of the triathlon. Distances again:

Olympic: Swim .9 miles, Bike 27 miles, Run 6.2 miles
Sprint: Swim 400 m, Bike 20K, Run 4K

Any suggestions which I should do?

The air will always be there,

Swimming is fun.

I swam for about an hour Friday night, and loved it. Absolutely loved it. I was intimidated- I didn't know how to get to the pool from inside the locker room, and if I really needed to shower before I went in the pool, if I really needed a swim cap, etc... but I am doing a lot of "getting over myself" when it comes to this triathlon stuff. I found the pool, and spent an hour reteaching myself the front stroke.

It went like this- first I swam the length of the pool, remembered to relax and breathe (the air will always be there! we were told this in training), and then I slowly recalled the videos we watched last week, and all their tips. First I remembered to rotate my body with each stroke, so that my body cut the water on its side, rather than flat on- I reduced my surface drag, is another way to think about it. Then, once I had that mastered and felt comfortable with it, I remembered to make sure my eyes were looking directly down, and to bring my head to the side for a breath without bringing it up out of the water. A few laps and when I had that down, I thought about the videos again, and remembered when bringing your arms out of the water, to make sure the elbows are always higher than your hands. After that was mastered, I perfected my breathing, and so on, until I was feeling very comfortable with the front stroke. It reminded me a lot of learning piano when I was young- slowly, surely, never moving on until I was comfortable with what I had just learned.

It takes time, these things. Learning to swim, learning ballet steps, learning guitar, learning new software (Z brush), learning about circuits and how to use a saw, and learning about finance and investing... sometimes I get overwhelmed at all the new things I am learning right now, but then I remind myself, that slowly, gradually, if I just do a little each day, I will eventually just be able to sit down and play a few songs on the guitar, do a couple laps without thinking about it, whip out an awesome art project... over time, this will all become second nature, like piano is for me now. Patience... another lesson taught by this triathlon.

Went for a long, long run today since I didn't get up for the group run this morning (the guilt! the guilt!) and my calves are so tight. I am certain it's from ballet, because when I go up on my toes my gastrocs are killing me. Working out this much is really giving me a lot of time to think, another thing that is keeping me more relaxed and calm in all this training. In some ways I wish I could just skip ahead to when I'll be in shape and have all this learned, but in others, I am having quite a bit of fun seeing my small successes (I can run much further now, and swim! my front stroke has never been better!) and just learning about my limits.

As always, the support is inspiring too. Knowing I am doing all this for a good cause is making it so much more rewarding.

35 minute bike tomorrow- I intend to do it outside, and see how far along the lakefront I can go. I might bring my camera, so stay tuned for photos.