settling

It's been turbulent for me this month, spring is ushering many new things and unsettling many things I thought I had settled. This is vague, I know.

With the turbulence comes an onrush of the feeling that I need to improve, improve, improve. Myself, my surroundings, my interactions. I've started wearing eyeliner everyday. There's my start.

Where all this need for improvement will end, I'm not sure. Vague things flit around on the list, to be vetoed the next day or thought. Some things are sticking, and will soon become a cemented part of my life. They will shape me in the years to come and influence me and mold me into someone slightly different from who I am today.

Strength. Strength is a current theme. Physically, mentally, emotionally. More than anything I want to be seen as strong, not weak. I want to see myself this way, and I want others to see me that way. Strength without haughtiness, without arrogance, with humility. I'm not sure what this means for my life, but I think I'll devote the rest of my year to figuring this out. What strength means to me, and what can I do to make myself stronger.

I just ordered massive amounts of my favorite Indian food. I've also, the past few days, have decided not to impose a bedtime on myself. The night is wide open. I can get anything done when I get home, now. It's taking it's toll- I'm pretty foggy in the morning and tired at work. But sleep is for the weekend.

I think I'm due for a long hot tub soak at the gym tonight.