more than this

frustration is seeping into every pore.

my waking and sleeping thoughts center around I can do more than this.

and yet i'm caught in this hold of 9-5 ( 7-7 with the commute)

with no hope of out

and every fear that it is here that i will perish.

when i know i know i know

that i am more than this

each day is precious; another chance to prove to myself that which i already know

that which is the thin strand of hope

which i wearily brush now and then

when the frustration is too great

for now: plans, lists, a checklist of my strengths and weaknesses, French, a website design, photos, running and the potters wheel: oh, the wheel that precious wheel, a pen, paper, and hermiting until this frustration works itself out.

all summer I've waited for this.

this being: a cold run in cold rain,

lightning in the sky,

deep cold breaths,

new shoes,

running until exhausting my limbs

a long hot tub soak at my gym

.

.

.

.

.

.

yes.

At some point during class tonight I just gave up and wiped my hands on my jeans.

It took me three scrapped pots before I ended up with something halfway decent tonight. at one point i even forgot how to center for about 15 minutes. my mind has been all over the place- it shows in my pottery. to center the clay, you yourself must be centered or become centered. no, not really, but it does help to be somewhat present. i kept talking to myself in my head during class as though i were a guru imparting pearls of wisdom like that. anyway.

i need more sleep.

today i had a thought worth writing here: life is really just knowns, and unknowns. and the knowns we can list and assign values to, and we know enough about them to take comfort in them, to some degree. and the unknowns, we assign a value, like x, and try to do equations based on the knowns and unknowns, maybe set up ratios, or quadratic equations, trying to solve the unknowns for x. life is one big giant algebraic equation.

i really need more sleep.

i love Wisconsin

clear

Tonight the city is beautiful.

Clear, clear blue skies, in that silver hour of dusk. And yet dusk is the wrong word- because it is clear, so clear. And the city shines, each window pouring out light. Not twinkling, but steadily pouring forth light. Like looking into brilliant steady eyes.

On the bridge over the river that I ride on each day to and from work, where I think every day as I look south to the city I really must bring my camera along and take a photo of this great view of the city... there were 4 or 5 photographers with fancy cameras and tripods capturing this brilliant night. I have never seen photographers there before; it cemented in my mind that tonight the city really was special.

And I thought, how can I ever leave the city life? It really is exciting. I passed a storefront with flashing lights where through the floor to ceiling windows I could see a fashion show, men and women dressed in fancy black. How could I ever leave this behind, everything that I wouldn't even know I was missing, if I lived a simple country life?

I narrate everything in my head with Ira Glass' voice right now; I've been listening to archives of This American Life at work constantly for the past two days.

Fall makes me feel lonely, even when I am not. It makes me want to sit next to people on public transportation, to cuddle my guineas more, and seek out friends. My blood is thick; I sleep deep when it is cold outside, I overheat easily in the summer. I feel revitalized in the cold. Alive, and clear. Fall is for hot chocolate, reading books late into the night, hot oatmeal, and late nights drinking whiskey and tequila with friends. The colors deepen to purples and golds. Nights without humidity make the city shine.

Now this is living.

and on Wednesday she threw clay

and it was good.

so, so good.

smoke on the water

The Minnesota wildfire has cast it's smoke across Chicago. I work in Lake Bluff; today when I went outside for lunch, there was a distinct haze and smell over the entire industrial park. When I biked to the train station, I thought maybe it was mist from the lake, except that it didn't feel especially damp. Then, when I got off the train in the city and did my final bike ride to my apartment, I realized the whole city was covered in this haze. Only when I talked to a friend and he mentioned the MN fires did I find out, it was indeed smoke. I woke up with itchy eyes and a scratchy throat, that persisted all day- good to know, at least, that this isn't bad allergies, just a lovely cloud of smoke over the city and shoreline of IL. Kind of crazy!

Perfect timing, as I finished The Road on Sunday, a book where the entire world is covered in ash. I realize now how terrible that would really be. The book made me cry, the first book to get a tear from myself in quite a while. I sat and cried a good 15 minutes. Felt good. I also look at food differently, and think about hoarding some jars or canned goods...

Next up is probably Music for Chameleons by Truman Capote. Recommended by Hanan. I'm finishing up Interactions of Color which is a color theory book- really interesting how you can control someone's experience of art and how they perceive colors by a few simple tricks. That book will probably become more of a reference for me when I plan my art.

Speaking of color, I am probably, right now, the most tan I have ever been in my life, thanks to a good burn on Sunday as I read outside for a few hours. And played soccer. And swam in the lake and laid on the cement until I was dry. I like being tan. I feel like I look less tired. Tomorrow night is ceramics.

ok. enough of these meandering thoughts.

Smoke from Minnesota fire moves into Chicago area

Smoke from Minnesota fire moves into Chicago area

some random things

1. I am going to start up my 365 project in earnest again tomorrow. promises.

2. I am also going to start running 5 days a week to train for the 9 mile run I signed up for in November. oy.

3. Other things starting this week: soccer and ceramics. These are all my favorite things! exciting!

4. I turn 29 in two weeks. Heavens.

5. September is just an awesome month all around.

6. I am going to do some deep thinking this weekend about my future. Thinking with the perspective of all my 29 years. I hope I find some answers, because this ambiguity and general overall displeasure with my career choice is draining me...

7. life can be incredibly hard.

8. I've stepped up this year and have confronted a lot of people when I normally would have just stewed a bit and let things slide. But I don't regret a single confrontation, and I think this is a lesson I want to remember.

9. I am insanely addicted to Parks and Rec right now.

10. I am reading The Road and it is so mesmerizing right now that I half believe I am living in a post- apocalyptic world.

11. I feel, with age, and life, that I am becoming more open and vulnerable to, well, everything, than I have ever been before, and it is only now that I dimly see how closed off I've been. A large part of this realization is from being around friends who are so open and loving it's hard not to want to be like them. And also, admittedly, from some people I've encountered lately who aren't open or loving, and the juxtaposition of the two exposes the failures in my character. ah, yes.

12. i really thought this list would be 3 points long.

13. my parents say to me frequently, "write more" and "do you always take life so seriously?" and my dad recently told me I should write an advice column. i found this all hilarious.

14. I need to gain control of my finances. I think I might need professional help. oy.

graceful

to drink in the city like this

the city is alive, a flowing living thing

it has colors deep and changing

and a sound that reverberates in your heart

a deep baseline

vibrating your bones

it makes you clutch your skirt

and strike a pose

without a care in the world

there is no room

or time

or use

for fear in the city.

Drink!

drink it now

drink it fast

with open heart,

quick

before it is gone

let it in

it will teach you

it will reward you

it will become a part of you-

the quiet beast in your chest

it belongs in the city

it belongs to the city.

she said... i think i'll go to Boston

because of the hurricane and all.

(hey, I survived hurricane Irene.)

the lobster was delicious.

and cute, in it's alien-lobstery way.

This is what deep joy looks like.

(I love them all.)

air + water show

I tried very hard to stay inside and apply to jobs, but it just sounded so exciting outside... so I went outside to sit at an outdoor cafe with a friend, and it was very exciting indeed.

memories

a year ago i was furiously planning and worrying about my impending triathlon in the next week. this year... i can barely get my butt out the door for a run. Working full time sure takes a toll on oneself...

and yet I still plan on getting up at 5:30am for a run. last year shen came out the last weekend in august, to run the chicago tri with me, this year i will be going out to Boston the same weekend in August, for one last hurrah while the gang still lives there (mostly). I hope to move back soon, I really miss Boston. Chicago is a great city, and I love the lake, but I don't love the city itself. It's too loud, too big, too harsh. I miss the quiet brick sidewalks and hushed universities of the east coast, and the ocean with it's salty zang.

memories.

down time

while i know this is exactly what i need right now (down time) in order to get ahead and to where i want, need, to be... i cant help but wish we had beach volleyball tonight. It was a fun summer. It is a fun summer. I finished my research, ya'll!! yeah this post will be all over the place.

not sure what is on the horizon- how often i have in my 28 years found myself here on the precipice of my future wondering the same thing, time and time again... what's next, what's next, what's next. for all of my sincere effort to live in the moment, i am constantly, restlessly, looking ahead and straining to see beyond the bend, wishing i could read minds and look into the future before making the necessary decisions in the present. patience, patience.

i bought Vibrams last week and finally got the chance to take them out tonight. it was delightful. i was made for Vibrams. but my legs hurt.. this will take some getting used to. also, i love running.

also, as i was sitting and contemplating the beauty of the lake and sky tonight, i silently whispered my thanks to the Creator, and was overwhelmed with love for creation and the Creator. Sometimes it astounds me how in love I am, and how vividly I can feel His love. it's always there. always.

pushing onward

The drive to create art and find a position, a career that I love grows in me every day. Everything and everyone else is falling to the wayside and my time is consumed with this. It's hard not to have hope right now that a door will open, but I am not young enough anymore to be naive that it will open soon enough. So I settle my bones in for the long haul, and a look of grit and a hard-set jaw stares back at me in the mirror as I push ever forward, always onward. When I am unhappy I work hard to the point of restlessness to change my circumstances as much as I can. I am grateful for friends who help me along this path, who edit my letters and papers and art unendingly, willingly, with a fresh eye to give me ready and honest feedback. My friend Shen and I set a pact with the same goal- it is great consolation knowing that these long nights aren't in solitude- that a time zone away she is too working to achieve a goal.

Always pushing forward.

Always.

Longingly looking back. I miss London this week terribly. I cannot wait to go to Boston at the end of the month! 17 days! I have so many phone calls to return... hang in there, friends, family.

I need a book recommendation. Camus?

patience

since my research ended brightness has been lurking... but these storms clouds just won't pass, and my heart is beat down by the dailyness of life. i feel ready and poised for something big, and have a thousand big ideas, but all i can do is eat and sleep and breathe one breath at a time, which is increasingly insufficient.

all this art. but no time to see it through.

something has to give.

it's pouring rain right now and i really want to go for a run.

hermiting

me on my commute

while i have been sick, yes, i have also been ok with avoiding humanity for a bit, and sitting with my thoughts. not returning phone calls, answering emails, or initiating contact. part of this is extreme disappointment and annoyance with some coworkers, making me want to just ignore all of humanity as much as possible this week since i must be surrounded by people all day at work, people who drain me, to be honest. I am learning confrontation and how to express myself and humility and all sorts of good things I suppose, but at the end of the day i just want peace and silence.

I am reading Love in the Time of Cholera, after finishing Old Man and the Sea, Captains Courageous, and Heaven is for Real. Since finishing my research two weeks ago I've read 4 books... reading this voraciously is like coming back to an old friend that i've abandoned and missed more than I knew. Love in the Time of Cholera is soooooo good. I read a paragraph and instantly, I am there, the imagery is so strong. If I could, i would sit and read it at the beach whilst eating strawberries all day tomorrow. le sigh.

anyway, I was just observing how sometimes I really want to be surrounded by people, and sometimes I just want to go away. It's like a pendulum. eh, i dunno.

in betweens

i see now that i have become comfortable in the in betweens.

that really, between the end of one thing, of many things,

before the start of something, anything

exists the

in between.

and here i am comfortable to stay for awhile.

to suss out something worthy.

to take my time with the next thing, and not just throw everything at just anything, but to wait with patience for something.

it's taken me my lifetime to be comfortable here in the in between, not reaching for,

but instead gingerly brushing, life.

feeling my way quietly. one hour, minute, second, at a time.

confident that something will appear.

again.

sickness after stress

I almost always seem to get sick after a particularly stressful period. When I am working under stress, I am unstoppable- full of energy, focused (although only on that one task), I feel almost superhuman. But once I allow my body to relax, it's over. Last year, I got mono 2 weeks after finals and graduation. Today, I have a flu of sorts, 5 days after presenting my research, with a cold, headache (which I never get), low fever, and yes, frequent visits to the bathroom. I've slept nearly all day, but began to wonder about this curious pattern of stress and sickness.

Even when I go home to my parents for a weekend, I will sleep 10, 12 hours a night, when I am fine on 7 or less hours during the week for months on end in the city. My mom says I come home to heal. I try to live a balanced life in the city- sleep in one morning a week, eat well, exercise, try not to overextend myself, and I thought I did very well with my research the past couple weeks- the least amount of sleep I got was about 4.5 hours, but I was averaging 6 a night.

I did some research on the web- apparently it's common for marathoners to get sick about a week after their marathon. There haven't been too many studies done on getting sick after stress, but it is a common and proven fact that stress lowers your white blood cell count. This, in combination with mental stress and not sleeping much when you're stressed, or eating well, leaves your immune system susceptible to invasion. The curious part is that I don't get sick while stressed, but after. It seems to make more sense to get sick at the height of stress.

Anyway, hopefully this will pass quickly and I will be back to exercising and training for my next triathlon. I have a deal where I get hot yoga for a month, so I'm going to make it a goal to go to yoga 5 times a week for a month straight, just because I am curious what sort of effects and benefits I will see. Great timing, in the hottest part of the year, but my coupon expires soon so I have to use it!

Flu or no flu, it's still great to be finished with my research.