figuring it out

This freelancing thing has been hard.

But each day I'm learning more and more how to adapt, how to control my time and my drive, what anxieties to let fall and what anxieties to pay attention to, and try to fix. To fight the loneliness of finding myself suddenly without coworkers or classmates, I find myself going for walks with a friend that works nearby on lunch, eating lunch with another friend, skyping more with my sister, talking to myself, starting up dance classes again, and organizing more social activities with my friends, and taking up more offers to go out. I want to add journaling every day to this list. I actually, for the first time since working full time and commuting so far, find myself craving social interaction. My mood has definitely improved. I am doing more interesting projects, and have even thrown a few pots.

But the structure, the attempt to get things done, or completed... this is hard. And if I just watch Syfy episodes all day and don't get anything done, the guilt at the end of the day is overwhelming and depressing. I hit a self-motivation low around the end of February, and since then have done ok at dragging myself out of the non-productive hole, completing a few projects helped. It's still hard to get a full day's work in, and I have a lot to learn.

But I like this. I like taking on projects. I like the opportunity to do my art and if I could just learn to discipline myself better, I think I could be really successful. I haven't done any art for myself in so long, and coming back to it is rusty and slow, but the muse is whispering, and soon she will be shouting and I won't be able to deny her request.

whisper on, muse.