moving on moving

i think it takes about a week for me to fully come to a realization when something happens, when something/one dies. and by then i've already made contingency plans. already thrown myself into something else, used the momentum of emotions to push myself further in some area of my life.

this time, it's rock climbing.

I'm quasi afraid of heights. i like to take things on that terrify me, or at least induce some amount of fear in me. it makes me feel stronger when i accomplish something i am afraid of. like finishing my research. or doing a triathlon. i like to push my edges, my boundaries, and see what happens. will i crumble? will i get stronger?

does it matter?

"i wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow out of life." this quote has been my favorite since high school. i never feel like i live it more fully than at the end of something, and the beginning of the something else. these are my coping mechanisms; these are what keep me on top of the waves. my thoughts curl around my ankles and pull me down, imaginary conversations beckon from the depths, but the new things to occupy my time, my thoughts- the new things are what lift my head towards the air.

deep breaths. move on.