but this time, with more respect, with more resolution, with more knowledge that this is the right decision. the right thing. that it never could have been... even if we so wanted it to be.
and to be surrounded by such friends, such good friends, who eat all your food that you willingly give, i would cook for each one every day gladly, eagerly. they ease the hurt and the disappointment, and remind you that love is rich and deep in friendships, and lasting. such ease of conversation, delight in our silly lives. little understandings that add up to a lasting relationship; this, then, is a relationship, is worth it. is worth everything.
the friends will come all week long; my week and weekend is booked and next week is Boston, where I will be immersed in the city I love so deep, with one of my dearest of friends who is a sister, really. the healing will continue, the disappointment will fade, we will both go on.
there is a moment of sadness in that: the going on. the separate ways, even if part of me, and probably part of him, knew all along it would end like this.
still, the strength i find in staying true, in knowing that i tried with all i had to try with, in being honest, completely so, that strength, and that respect for him in doing the same, that trust that I still have that he did the same, that I choose to have; that too is enduring and is worth everything.
so this bittersweet ending, in the end, is just that; utterly sad, and utterly right.
utterly worth everything.
oh. my.
ReplyDeletebreakups are lame
ReplyDeletei hear you, and ever do i hear you. and what resounds in my ears after reading these words, which are somewhat difficult to read (relive) because i've swum their currents too and it's a frigid, rollicking merciless thing:
ReplyDelete{ "the trust that i choose to have" }
this choice will make all the difference, it will keep your circulation going, even if weakly at times. and this is what counts when you're submerged, this is the choice that means you'll come out with all your limbs, however bruised.
your expression is deep and beautiful. know that.
i think this time i realized that i have a choice in what and who to trust in this, and one choice just made things harder for me. doubt creates fear, so i will trust instead. its a constant decision, though.
ReplyDeleteK, i wish you couldn't empathize, i wish that you had never been there, but since you have, i am glad you are here. your words and understanding help me, truly.