confessions of the squirmy

*written last week*

I've spent a lot of this week in introspection. Long hours of time in introspection. The casual and melodramatic self-indulgence of my teenage years. Lots and lots of writing, journaling, and reading. Taking a step back, examining my life, watching the waves of events in my memory and how they've shaped me, deeming myself worthy or unworthy- or at least, parts of myself.

and i've discovered several glorious things, and several quite depressing things.

I've discovered that i get incredibly squirmy when examined this close, like bacteria on a microscope slide that when it comes into focus is all squirmy and moving all over the slide. the sharpening of focus on my life, myself, has caused me to squirm and throw up facades and fireballs to distract, and pulled my emotions all over the chart. Pinning oneself down is never easy, but necessary from time to time.

i have a lot of love in my life. more than i deserve. more friends that care about me more than i know or ever stop to think about. and yet, this was the first thing to become apparent the minute i started examining myself. there is a lot of love. in all its painful glory. in my heart-wrenching un-deservedness, i have been shown love far more than i have shown it. i need to be more cognizant and gentle of this love, to think before i speak, my heavens do i need to think before i speak. the end agenda should not always be a witty sarcastic joke. and yet, far too often, it is. stop. breathe. absorb the love. absorb the moment. reflect it back, ego-less. deem yourself worthy, if for a minute, of holding this love, set aside my ego, don't cast the love aside in a joke.

i have not been moving towards God as quickly or as much as I could. Somewhere last year, i stopped. I stood still. i stopped pursuing Him. somewhere last year life became Great. Too Great. it took everything in me to hold it, my hands were full with the Greatness. my prayers were only cries, and it was rare that i stopped to behold the glory of God. this has changed me. both the Greatness, and removing my focus from the Glory. But i didn't need to hold it in my hands, and if i had beheld the glory, i could have let it go. this has to change, and I thank God that He has revealed this to me.

The last observance is that my ego has become too great. it has stymied my creativity, my relationships, and my happiness. it is good to allow oneself mercy- none of us are perfect, we are all human... these things are true. these are things we say to ourselves, and we should. but in some cases the truth cuts deep and we cannot allow mercy- the only thing we can allow is change. because if i continue down this path, if my ego grows, if i do not find some other, more appropriate source of self-worth, i will become nothing. i will continue to dry up and bear no fruit. the mercy i allow myself is the chance to change, for to accept that i can continue down this path is to accept that i am capable of no more.

and yet in all these shortcomings, i see myself being used. it is in my weakness that God has used me for His glory, not in my strength. what good is strength, then? would that i would only become weaker so that God would use me more. at my lowest, my worst, my least creative, my least productive, that is when I have seen the most of God's hand in my life.

I am slowing the squirm, to allow myself to become dissected. to learn to trust that I am called to be present. to find peace in just simply... being. here. now. with you. in this world. in this city. in this neighborhood. here.