365 Days Later

It's good to look back, to see what has become of all the time in between. One year ago today, I would have given anything to look 365 days into the future, to know what I know now. After such a hard couple of weeks, to know at some point there would be an upswing. To know that my decision regarding one boy would be the right one, or wrong one. To know that my grieving for my grandma would lessen. To know that quitting my job was the right decision, or wrong one.

So, here I am. 365 days later. And it's an odd, bittersweet 365 days later. I can't remember the last time I was poorer. Or happier. I'm at that sweet spot, between storms, when everything is calm and ok. I feel like a deeper, richer soil than I was a year ago. And part of that is because of so many of those decisions I made exactly 365 days ago. I'm not convinced that dating that boy was the right decision. I wish I had listened more to my intuition, the small voice speaking doubts. But at the same time, I don't regret it. I was shaped, and in a painful way, but I am at a bigger place of acceptance now. I feel more ready for the next 365 days, for the next relationship. Like the mulch of the past year will grow something beautiful one day. And all that I have learned, career and, everything-wise, because I quit my job... I mean, really. I don't even know where to start with that. I am working harder than ever, and finally have the space to expand creatively. Space is priceless.

As for my grandma, the grieving now is softer and more gentle, but just as deep. One thought and there are tears in my eyes. I'm not sure this will ever change, and that's ok, and I'm not sure I want this to change.

365 days later. There is an upswing, there sure is. If I could go back, I would say to myself, make your decisions. It won't be easy, but you will see it through, and it will lead you to where you need to be.