she said she said

we knew, my mom, dad, brother and i, when we walked into the house that it was for final goodbyes. final. something you don't think about until you absolutely need to- and then, then it really is the times for lasts, for goodbye. the time when you can't avoid it any longer. and it hits you, and the wind leaves you, and you

pause

and feel. and then walk into her room, where she is so tiny, and her body is a shell, the strong muscles and fat melted away, lost and dissolved and what i left is the raw and the essence- the broad smile and strong grip on your arm. and for a moment you're terribly afraid when you imagine life without her, but she is not gone yet and she speaks

she tells you she wants to wear the necklace you bought her a lifetime ago in London, the one she wore so proudly and you picked out so quickly and she wants to wear it in her casket, and wants you to have it before she's buried. and she tells you to take a picture hanging on her bedroom wall, and anything else you want. and you apologize for never taking her to Vegas. and even though you know you'll see her again, even though you know

even though you know

this life on earth is the only frame of reference you have. and you ask her if shes scared. and she says no. and you know that's not the full truth. she says shes going to a better place and she cant wait. and you know that's the full truth.

and then she makes a joke and you both laugh, because that is what you do together, you laugh. you poked fun at family members, strangers, each other. you were sarcastic and never took offense, and you bore each other's pain in your small ways, because that is what you do when you are family.

and she said, she said i love you.

and i wonder why i'm not crying, why i feel relief that her wish will finally come true, and that she won't have to stay here in this body anymore with so much pain. but i know i will feel the loss, and it will come when it's ready, when it's time, and the grief will flow and i will ride it's eddies out to the soul-lake where it will merge with other rivers and tributaries of emotion and experience and become part of my being.

and some days the river of grief is still and silent, waiting. and some days it is turbulent and forces you to the bottom where the rocks bash your body and leave invisible bruises. and you wish with all your heart that she is still here. that i could just call her. just once more. but you can't.

so you feel deep.

and you dry your tears.

and this is what you do.