can't quite contain this

life right now is emotion after emotion- anxiety, joy, grief, sadness, contentedness, all rolling inside one after another after another after another and another.

I'm trying to remain flexible, to bend and take each one in at it's depth, to not let my thinking destroy my feeling. but all these emotions are exhausting and I find myself wanting them all to stop. just for a moment, while I catch my breath. while i coast on the back of my new sweet ride, a fuji road bike, and let the moments glide over me while i sink to the bottom of the lake, watching the water and waves above, myself lost in the muted waters. just for a moment, and then i will break the surface and ride the waves again. but for now, respite.

respite on the back of a bike this morning, on the trails, again, the burning in my thighs, the fight against the wind. the mist, covering the black and gold weeds and trees, and the snow, sticking to the earth like no one's business. the accomplishment, that feeling i get when i have to be in the outdoors, cold, in pain, surviving, just to get to work. to get home. to see my niece.

my new niece, born last Saturday. I see her tomorrow, i am so elated. so elated.

and this weekend, i say goodbye to one of the finest men to ever walk this earth, my uncle. it's been a blessed long time since i attended a funeral.

my grandma, living, but not wanting to live. is there anything more heartbreaking? more frustrating?

friendships, new and old, basking in the comfort and love of the old ones, not yet easy in the new ones. not yet easy at all. the weird and quiet artness of me, indeed, the best parts of me, are so begrudgingly accepted or ignored sometimes that it makes me recoil.

for now i retreat to my family- i feel a pull and that is where i belong. everything else fades to the side, the periphery, the gray and blurry out of bounds. one emotion at a time. just one.